The Parenthood Test

Steve and I joke all the time on how we are so not ready for the changes that parenthood will bring. Well I kind of joke but realistically I know these changes will be hard on me. I'm a clean freak who likes my sleep. I have a schedule I don't like to deviate from. I am a perfectionist who doesn't like when people color on my coloring pages or ruin my crafts :) I hate clutter...

...basically you get the idea.

So it was really funny to me when my great friend Sarah sent this link over to me. Oh how baby is going to change my life :)

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How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have A Baby.

Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread the mall over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

(this one might make me croak!)
Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

(I'll pass with flying colors... I have Steve as a husband - he's way worse. He's like a singing goat who talks to anyone and everyone while doing obscene things.)

Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

(problem fixed... I like naked babies... they are so cute. Why put clothes on in the first place?)

Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

(What if I tried to sling shot pieces of food into her mouth instead?)

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

(This is where I might die.... or be extremely crabby. You might want to keep your distance until baby starts sleeping through the night.)

Physical Test
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

(Well I'm used to the bean back chair... and Steve is going to be a teacher so we'll be loaded and I'll get plastic surgery... problem solved.)

Final Assignment
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.

(hmmm... this doesn't sound fun. I have two downfalls that I've been trying to overcome for a while now. I hate being told what to do. I'm a very outspoken person. This does not bode well for me. Stay away opinionated Mothers. I've changed and become very patient and understanding but Momzilla might come out after no sleep, a messy house, and a drabby wardrobe.) I'll still love you though.


Thanks Sarah for sending this to me. I thought it was beyond extrememly funny. It made my day.